“But while He was still a long way off,
His father saw him and was filled with compassion for him.
He ran to his son, kissed him and embraced Him.
Let us celebrate for this son of mine was dead and now is alive,
He was lost and is found.” Luke 15:20, 24
A lot of people used to tell me how lucky I am. Lucky because I belong to a prominent middle class family, because I have lots of friends, because they thought I have everything one could ever want. Funny, I never felt I did. They must have just seen my happy and carefree self. I must have been such a good actress for them not to see that I was really broken, lost, incomplete, and searching for happiness. The truth was that, for the first 17 years of my life, everything was a complete mess! I drank a lot; make out with random guys and had sexual relationships; went to places I shouldn’t be at; lied, abused, and disrespected people; rebelled, mocked, and stole money from my parents; etc. I knew that nothing I ever did was right; I knew that I was being a bad influence to some; and I knew that something in me was missing. And I tried finding it in all the wrong places- vices, sex, friends, dating, money, popularity, etc. Was I happy? Yes. But it never lasted that long.
In my search for happiness, I end up hurting people and even myself. Everything was so painful to me that I got fed up of it all. I just want to relieve myself of the pain even if it’s just for a while. I found that comfort through razors and pills. Every time I cut myself, I only do so to mask up emotional pain with physical pain. Every time I get high with the pills, the throbbing in my head replaces the emptiness I feel. I just want to be free for a while; but there’s a part of me just wants to give up on life and disappear, thinking that it will solve everything. I thought back then that it would be better off for me to be gone than to feel incomplete all the rest of my life. I knew I hurt a lot of people so I thought that if I’m dead they would be happy. I knew that I was a pain to my family; I thought that my death would be their final burden from me. A part of me was saying that if I can’t find that missing part of me, then what’s the reason of living? I was tired of living a lie and pretending I was happy. But every time I wake up the next morning, I just find myself bloody but still alive. So I push through for another day hoping that tomorrow I might finally be happy.
Back then, I do believe in God. I believed that God was a law maker and that if we don’t follow His commands we’ll go to hell. I believed that He writes down all my sins in a big book; and that if I go to confession or be nice for I day, He would erase one sin out of the book. I believe in God, but I believed only for the sake of being called a “Christian”. It was enough to pray at night before bed time and to do good works to earn salvation. And if I wasn’t good enough, I’ll wait in purgatory until the prayers of my family will lift me up to heaven (laughing out loud!). But God wasn’t a big deal to me. I believed that He was just light and vapour up in the clouds. I even make fun of people claiming they are Christians and mock them saying they’re a bunch of weirdoes who are like saints in church but are like all the other outside church. Everything changed though when I got to college and when I met Ed. I really saw that there was something different in him. How can he be so nice? How can he be so thoughtful and considerate? Why do people trust him so much? I really saw how different he was from other people. What I saw was his love and kindness to others. More importantly, that passion for Jesus that I had never saw from anyone, not even from my very religious grandparents. The way he lived his life simply inspired me. He seemed so complete and satisfied, and I thought, probably because he is close God. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to feel what he felt. I wanted to have that same passion for Christ that he has. I wanted to change and be someone new.
Days past, I was trying to be nice with all of my might, I prayed a little, sang a few praise and worship songs. Everyday, I felt a bit a lighter. And every time see Ed, I was motivated even more just watching him live for Jesus. He just made it seemed so simple to make everything about and for Jesus. I was in that journey of finally going to Christ, but it’s true when they say that without guidance and constant prayer, you will surely get lost. Or maybe Satan saw that his precious minion is crossing to the other side and thought that he would surely miss me. I was brought down. The enemy does know how to hit you where it hurts. For some reason, which until now I don’t know what, I was just so depress and overwhelmed by my sadness and that everything was falling apart. On August 23, 2006, I could still remember the cries of my roommates telling me not to sleep, the sound of the siren, and the bright light inside the emergency room. I knew then that my wretched life was still not yet over.
For days in the hospital, I would think of killing myself on the spot. I was so disappointed by the thought that I was still living and not six feet under. But someone came whom I never did expect. It was Ed. I kept asking myself what his purpose was of visiting me when we were not even close friends, what would he say to me, why was he there? But he just smiled at me and he shared to me God’s words. It gave me comfort. It was the first time someone ever told me that God loves me so much. That time, I felt as if God was speaking to me through him. I realized that God must really have a special reason why He wouldn’t let me die no matter how many times I kill myself.
August 28, 2006, I met Ate Marissa through Ed, and it was the longest conversation I ever had. I felt like I was at peace around her and that I could just be myself. Somehow, I was able to open up to her and shared my life. She prayed with me the sinner’s prayer and I accepted Christ into my life. It didn’t felt as if I became holy, but I was assured that things were going to be different from then on. And it did. Each day, God shapes me more like His Son Jesus Christ. Each day I learned to die to my self and live to please Him. Everyday is a new day to serve Him, and that was my purpose. I no longer feel that space in my heart, Jesus completely filled it with Himself. I can now confidently say that He changed me from the inside out. He changed the way how I look at life, the world, and faith. He changed me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And I don’t regret those changes at all. For I know that it’s all for His glory.
I no longer hang out with my friends to indulge myself or influence them with vices, but to just hang out with them and get to know them better and hoping that I could even share God’s word to them. I may no longer belong to the “it” society but now I belong to the “Him” society. He made me realized that I don’t need a boyfriend, for He is my lover and that He is more than enough for me. I became closer to my parents and learned to love them as well as trust people. Now I invite people to Christ instead of inviting them to drinking sessions. I want everyone to be in love with Christ and to experience the same joy I found in Him and that joy is Christ himself. And every time I do see people who are going to the same direction I was in before, I feel sad. But most of the time I felt displeased and annoyed, not only because I know that it’s wrong but because it reminds me of whom I was before. Come to think of it, who am I to judge them, I was as displeasing. But it all comes down to the fact that I don’t want them to go through the same hell I was in before I came to know the Lord. Believe me when I say that nothing in this world could ever satisfy you but only Christ alone.
