Qara' leb `ataph

Note: This is another melancholic prayer. If you can’t follow, well, I’m sorry that I’m being myself.


Lord, do you see? Do you the darkness that builds up in me? Do you see the pain that cripples me? Do you hear every tear that streak down my face as I cry in helplessness? Do you feel my sob as I shook in anxiousness, hoping that someone will come and hold me, fragile as I am? But to my dismay found no one near; found no one who could help. Found no one who could ease the pain and calm the storm in me. Lord, how? Lord, how do you put up with this? Why? Lord, why? Why do you let me be pulled in? Why do you allow this paranoia to wound me? Wound me in the deepest part of my being. The very being that, I, myself does not know well. Where are you Lord? Let not coldness envelop me but only the warmth of your peace and love alone.

Oh Lord my days are but vapour, and how I wish that my end would just be a swift. Truly Lord, I must not know you that well. For I can not understand why you would let me be laid broken first, like shattered porcelain, that I may be whole and pure like silver without dross. What am I then Lord that your eyes are on me? Aren’t I like the vapour that runs and hides in the ever changing wind or the dreams that come vaguely and are often forgotten as the sun peeks from the glorious mountain tops that your own hands made? I know that I am nothing, a mere portion of a single pixel in your marvellous masterpiece, but why then Lord must you seek after me as if I was of any worth to you. It doesn’t illuminate the blackness that clouds my mind. Shouldn’t I be the one seeking you? Shouldn’t I be the one celebrating? I am left dumbfounded by your mercy and grace. Is this truly how you love Lord? Then Lord let me understand, reveal yourself to me.

Why do you plan my every step? Why do you care so much? And yet, even though you see the cliff that I may fall from you tell me to walk as the crow flies for your plans are perfect and are unblemished. Oh God, how can I fathom your majesty and how can I question your authority, I clearly have no right. But God though you slay me, yet will I hope in you (Job 13:15). For destruction is not what awaits me at the end of the precipice but absolute freedom, complete and true. And yet am I just deceitful to my own heart and to you by declaring such things; declaring such confidence when I bend lowly in cowardice? I am feeble. Hopeless as I seem, nevertheless my mind still aver that I should hold on to what my mouth declares. You, after all, made it clear that my faith should be never being based on my meagre and unfounded sentiments. God, take my wretched heart then and free me; for I don’t want to be a prisoner of my own doubts and unfaithfulness. Let me not worry on what I fear in front of me or in me but give strength and hold me close, that I may be reminded that you hold my yesterdays, today, and tomorrows.

And God, if reality completely fades, please promise me that you’ll remain my only truth.

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Note: Just to make it clear, this work ain’t mine. A sibling in Christ wrote this and shared it to me but s/he was not thinking of posting it anywhere (obviously because the paper was tattered). As a matter of fact, s/he was planning on disposing it. So I might as well have it than let it go to waste. I can’t tell you who s/he is though, but my prayer is that you too will be blessed with this prayer/ poem as I have been. God bless.


Please, say hello, look deep into my eyes and I will share with you the gripping terror which inhabits me, but it’s not control of the moment minimal, simply from joy penetrating me like the sun in the middle of winter breaking through thick clouds to melt away the chill, but the time has come as I watch it set, surrendering me to the darkness of myself, the one thing, the only thing that I have come to fear. I sit and cling tight to this open thinking letter by letter what words best describe yet could never emphasize these overwhelming feelings; fear, love, hate, peace, grief, desire, contentment, , disbelief, agony, joy, life. Inhaling deep, feeling the detoxification of the air inside, unwilling to let it escape, wondering if I have strength enough to hold it in, or even greater strength to exhale and face the breath before.
The truth being, I contain no strength at all as I breathe repeatedly, unaware but consumed by God, whose strength allows me to live, yet even more desire me to live for him. God the creator, the maker of all, the source of life, the reason of existence, the all seeing, all knowing, all caring, all of everything; God, whom we see in everything around us, as we stare to the stars, stars which were made by His words spoken through nothing, which fit in the very palm of his hands, this God of inexpressible glory, lives in me, desires me, seeks after me. Me a person made from dust, who will return to dust, who, covers myself in the dirt and scum of this world, I, who simply can’t, simply never understand who He really is, He wants me and I am undeserving.
But here I am, forgive me Lord, save me from the punishment of death, save me and love me, but do away with me. For you know and have seen the representation I give your name, hypocritical me. Please do not allow me to hurt you anymore, whatever it takes Lord, let me be anything but a blemish of who you are, though I hesitate in saying such things for I know I am flesh, I am dirt, and I am easily persuaded by the desire of which that surrounds me, but I ask you, save me, love me, direct me; cause me to love you, do not allow me to fall away from you, hold me, I’m yours.

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