Qara' leb `ataph

October 8, 2009 (Thursday)


“I have set the Lord always before me.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken."
Psalm 16:8


The night was cold and windy that Wednesday as I went home from CORE, but I didn't mind at all. For my thoughts circled through a flood of realizations. Realizations I wished I should have had many months ago. And perhaps I would not be crawling my way back to Him.

For a long time I thought I was strong, strong enough to do things all by myself. I thought that as long as I am with Jesus, I will never falter. But as I watched my dreams unattained and goals thwarted, my fist I held high against the God I worshipped. There was no more praise on my lips but only questions an unfaithful child would utter. I wondered how all came to be. I wondered, for I thought that I stumble was sangfroid, I thought my decisions were right enough…

Yes, I had fallen and had turn back to the world. The world I had said goodbye to when I gave my heart to Jesus and made Him my Saviour, my Lover, my Redeemer...and I had prayed that He would be my “everything.” But my heart I took back as I saw all the things dear to me fall apart before my very eyes. The world that had broken me became my dear escape. Though knowing that I'll find no joy, I stayed under its shadows and tried to hide from God.

I hid because I was hurt. I hid because I can no longer take a single step towards him, knowing that it would the death of me, the death of my flesh. I hid because I don’t understand His love. I hid because I thought He was being unfair. I hid because I know He was the one who allowed pain to come. I hid because my plans aren’t His plans. And I blamed Him for all the hurts even though I know that I was the one at fault all along.

It was me at fault because I held on to idols when he told me to let go. I stayed when He told me to move on. I made my own plans when He told me to do His will. I followed my self when He told me to follow Him. I questioned and asked when all He wanted me to do was obey. And I thought I’m okay on my own when without Him I am nothing.

And I was reminded in CORE that I am not the only. A lot of us think that that the longer we are with Christ, the stronger we become. We think that as long as long as we read our Bibles, go to church nth times a week, or be in Christian fellowship, we will be okay. We believe that there are some things that are trivial and that we can solve it by ourselves. We delusion that as long as we remember Christ-- while we’re in school, while we are working, during leisure, and even in our relationship--we will not stumble nor be shaken. We are fooling no one but ourselves. In our efforts, we have none to boast. We shouldn’t even rely on ourselves. It's not even our strength, for we are weak, but it is Christ's strength manifested through us. It’s not our works that would assure us an eternity with Him, but only through Christ’s grace. It’s not just about being with Him but it’s about following Him. It’s not about understanding, but it’s about obeying. It’s not about remembering Him in our activities; it’s about making it about Him and for Him…stumble

All of us do stumble and all of us do fail. We fall into situations that we don’t want to be in. And we all know that discipline makes us ask “why?” Indeed, we are good at asking God why. But maybe we should also ask ourselves.
“Is God really God of my life?
“Am I following God or am I just making Him an audience?”

I had learned the hard way and I am coming back to Him. Though crawling I still praise Him but for He is merciful and loving God, who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I pray that, indeed, we will let God be the God of our "everything."

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Setting:
Inside an easy ride
A drive to Dumaguete
After the Beach Fellowship in Dauin
6:00 PM

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Goodbye Stranger




So when was the last time you said hello?
When you offered me that smile I used to love?
‘Cause right now all that’s left are memories.
And everything else tastes just so bitter.
As bitter as that unkind stare that you just gave me.

Perhaps it all went away with the wind.
And I don’t know how this came to be.
The once so warm friendship that we shared;
Can now be only found in frozen photographs.
And sadly you weren’t even smiling there.

Did I do something to make you hate me?
I wish that you would tell me what’s wrong;
So that I could try to make things right for you.
‘Cause how could I say sorry and “forgive me;”
If I don’t even know what I’m sorry for?

But didn’t I hear you apologize?
Shouldn’t everything be okay by now?
Was it for real or was it just so you could sleep that night?
Was it really “sorry?”
Or did you really mean “goodbye?”

So why don’t you try to face me and look me in the eye.
Why don’t you just tell me that you want me out,
Instead of hiding like a kid?
And I’m getting tired of waiting for you to be okay.
Why don’t we try maturity once in a while?

But I guess you don’t have to say anything.
Your actions screams louder that your silence.
You can’t even stand to hear my voice for a minute.
So why don’t you just walk away like you always do.
‘Cause I’m sick of being sad when you’re showing me you’re not.

But please hear me out when I tell you that I’m sorry and I thank you.
I’m sorry for all the hurts and thank you for the friendship.
I wish that you’d be happy wherever God places you.
I know that we’re still both young and we’ll see people come and go.
But I hope we’d learn to cherish every person that does stay.

But I do wish that everything doesn’t end this way.
“Cause it feels just like yesterday when we were just strangers.
And today it’s breaking me that we’re strangers once again.
It’s funny how a friend’s hello turns to a stranger’s goodbye.
So perhaps we’ll go on our separate ways.

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