Qara' leb `ataph

things I would want to say to some people:

"I am sorry for lying to cover up another sin."

"I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Please forget everything that I've said and just do what you love. Don't save my feelings. Please be happy."

"You are still too young to surrender your wholeself to a man who you are not even certain you'll end up tying the knot with."

"I am not your reserve. I want to be a part of your life, to be your sister and friend. Remember that I am always here for you. So if you really don't need me and if you don't want me sticking around, just tell me. And if it'll give you joy, I'll go away."

"You need to grow up!"

"You're not the star in everyone's life dude!"

"I don't need you to tell me things I already know. Don't say things just because it's the "right" thing to say. Tell me things that would actually fit! And if you have none, just shut up."

"I never said I needed your friendship."

"Don't tell me that there's something wrong with me! Because you're the reason why I'm never going to be fine."

"If you really wanna know what's wrong, just look at the mirror."

"I'm sorry for not being a good witness. For not being strong when you were also struggling. I know all of us go to crappy seasons, and I just wished that I'd pretended to be firm."

"I know you love me. You just don't love me that much like you love them."

"Save your drama and your fake empathies for your next loser of a friend."

"Before you even say anything bad about me, why don't you put on your beauty mask first. You might look a lil better."

"I want you out of my life, out of my heart, out of my mind. But then I know that there would be something missing."

"If you're just going to give me sermons, just get out of my face."

"I don't need you to be my mother, I have one already. I want you to be my friend."

"I want you to speak when I'm listening. And I need you to listen when I want to speak."

"This is not a contest! Will you stop trying to prove yourself to everyone that you're great."

"You are sickening."

"How can I ever forgive you if you haven't asked for forgiveness. SO I'm sorry for moving on but never forgetting."

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Each day I am awaken by the sound of my alarm clock. I am hesitant to move, hesitant to start a new day. Anxiety swiftly slithers in as I push away the warmth of my covers. It slithers in like the nightmares I escaped from as I open my still tired eyes to face consciousness. I am brought back to this consciousness which makes me wish, in the first place, to remain in my nightmares. At least then I know that it’s all unreal.

The paths I place my foot on are all the same. Each leading me to directions I am not certain of. Is anyone ever certain? Do His plans just unfold before anyone’s very eyes? Is anyone out there without a single doubt? But to stop is a fool’s option; for as we stand still and watch, the hours do not. So what else is there but to keep moving; to breathe on and plaster a practiced smile on my face regardless of the sores and crosses?

Yet with every intake of air and with every step of my wary feet, perseverance becomes stale and hopes makes me jaded. And there nothing more to want than to be free from it all, to flee from everything that makes sense or no sense. To flee from the cares of not wanting to hurt the feelings of people you love. To flee from ever disappointing the One you offer up your praises to. To flee from wanting to hurt the people who hurt you first. To flee from all insecurities that ties you down scornfulness and shame. To flee from things that you thought you need but will in point of fact never sate. To flee from all that pains you and you just fly away to numbness- to just go away, just away.

But what difference does it make? And what’s the point of all of these? What difference does it make at all? For though I may go a million miles and even if I may be away for good, am I not still with myself? Am I not still with myself who is capable of sinning? And what difference does it make if I flee from all the hurts when the places that I see with these eyes that err, places that I am able to flee to are also wretched and will only bring new hurts. Indeed this world is shattered and everything under the Sun is meaningless and to find meaning in this world is foolish. For what is good in place? There is none, nothing at all; nothing but sin and brokenness.

So I fix my eyes beyond the stars. For I know that there is One that sees all and knows all. A God whose arms I can be vulnerable and be completely free, a God whose hands could fix all brokenness. And yet though I know what His very name could do, my mind still wavers to move a step forward to Him. For a single step forwards fells like dying and my flesh bleeds as my soul endeavors to surrender.

I am suffocated and I am drowning from the foolish man’s dilemma that I hold. I long for freedom but refuse to pay the cost. So what’s the use of crying for these wounds when I reject the Healer’s cure? I am foolish indeed, a human to err. My very reflection disgust me and I just wish to fade away.

So God take me please, that I may never ever displease you anymore. My every failure causes me to ache, not because I have failed but because I have failed you. And my every heartbeat reminds me that I am a mockery, a hypocrite, unworthy of His love. But I need You to love me Lord. I need You to love me more than ever. So I beg, take a hold of my heart, take a hold of my mind, take a hold of my soul. God take a hold of every part of me. My flesh is unwilling but my soul is crying out. Please just take me and bring me in Your arms. For Your name’s sake, take me away from my flesh; take me away from this wretched world. Jesus, take me.

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