Qara' leb `ataph

October 8, 2009 (Thursday)


“I have set the Lord always before me.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken."
Psalm 16:8


The night was cold and windy that Wednesday as I went home from CORE, but I didn't mind at all. For my thoughts circled through a flood of realizations. Realizations I wished I should have had many months ago. And perhaps I would not be crawling my way back to Him.

For a long time I thought I was strong, strong enough to do things all by myself. I thought that as long as I am with Jesus, I will never falter. But as I watched my dreams unattained and goals thwarted, my fist I held high against the God I worshipped. There was no more praise on my lips but only questions an unfaithful child would utter. I wondered how all came to be. I wondered, for I thought that I stumble was sangfroid, I thought my decisions were right enough…

Yes, I had fallen and had turn back to the world. The world I had said goodbye to when I gave my heart to Jesus and made Him my Saviour, my Lover, my Redeemer...and I had prayed that He would be my “everything.” But my heart I took back as I saw all the things dear to me fall apart before my very eyes. The world that had broken me became my dear escape. Though knowing that I'll find no joy, I stayed under its shadows and tried to hide from God.

I hid because I was hurt. I hid because I can no longer take a single step towards him, knowing that it would the death of me, the death of my flesh. I hid because I don’t understand His love. I hid because I thought He was being unfair. I hid because I know He was the one who allowed pain to come. I hid because my plans aren’t His plans. And I blamed Him for all the hurts even though I know that I was the one at fault all along.

It was me at fault because I held on to idols when he told me to let go. I stayed when He told me to move on. I made my own plans when He told me to do His will. I followed my self when He told me to follow Him. I questioned and asked when all He wanted me to do was obey. And I thought I’m okay on my own when without Him I am nothing.

And I was reminded in CORE that I am not the only. A lot of us think that that the longer we are with Christ, the stronger we become. We think that as long as long as we read our Bibles, go to church nth times a week, or be in Christian fellowship, we will be okay. We believe that there are some things that are trivial and that we can solve it by ourselves. We delusion that as long as we remember Christ-- while we’re in school, while we are working, during leisure, and even in our relationship--we will not stumble nor be shaken. We are fooling no one but ourselves. In our efforts, we have none to boast. We shouldn’t even rely on ourselves. It's not even our strength, for we are weak, but it is Christ's strength manifested through us. It’s not our works that would assure us an eternity with Him, but only through Christ’s grace. It’s not just about being with Him but it’s about following Him. It’s not about understanding, but it’s about obeying. It’s not about remembering Him in our activities; it’s about making it about Him and for Him…stumble

All of us do stumble and all of us do fail. We fall into situations that we don’t want to be in. And we all know that discipline makes us ask “why?” Indeed, we are good at asking God why. But maybe we should also ask ourselves.
“Is God really God of my life?
“Am I following God or am I just making Him an audience?”

I had learned the hard way and I am coming back to Him. Though crawling I still praise Him but for He is merciful and loving God, who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I pray that, indeed, we will let God be the God of our "everything."

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Setting:
Inside an easy ride
A drive to Dumaguete
After the Beach Fellowship in Dauin
6:00 PM

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Goodbye Stranger




So when was the last time you said hello?
When you offered me that smile I used to love?
‘Cause right now all that’s left are memories.
And everything else tastes just so bitter.
As bitter as that unkind stare that you just gave me.

Perhaps it all went away with the wind.
And I don’t know how this came to be.
The once so warm friendship that we shared;
Can now be only found in frozen photographs.
And sadly you weren’t even smiling there.

Did I do something to make you hate me?
I wish that you would tell me what’s wrong;
So that I could try to make things right for you.
‘Cause how could I say sorry and “forgive me;”
If I don’t even know what I’m sorry for?

But didn’t I hear you apologize?
Shouldn’t everything be okay by now?
Was it for real or was it just so you could sleep that night?
Was it really “sorry?”
Or did you really mean “goodbye?”

So why don’t you try to face me and look me in the eye.
Why don’t you just tell me that you want me out,
Instead of hiding like a kid?
And I’m getting tired of waiting for you to be okay.
Why don’t we try maturity once in a while?

But I guess you don’t have to say anything.
Your actions screams louder that your silence.
You can’t even stand to hear my voice for a minute.
So why don’t you just walk away like you always do.
‘Cause I’m sick of being sad when you’re showing me you’re not.

But please hear me out when I tell you that I’m sorry and I thank you.
I’m sorry for all the hurts and thank you for the friendship.
I wish that you’d be happy wherever God places you.
I know that we’re still both young and we’ll see people come and go.
But I hope we’d learn to cherish every person that does stay.

But I do wish that everything doesn’t end this way.
“Cause it feels just like yesterday when we were just strangers.
And today it’s breaking me that we’re strangers once again.
It’s funny how a friend’s hello turns to a stranger’s goodbye.
So perhaps we’ll go on our separate ways.

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things I would want to say to some people:

"I am sorry for lying to cover up another sin."

"I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Please forget everything that I've said and just do what you love. Don't save my feelings. Please be happy."

"You are still too young to surrender your wholeself to a man who you are not even certain you'll end up tying the knot with."

"I am not your reserve. I want to be a part of your life, to be your sister and friend. Remember that I am always here for you. So if you really don't need me and if you don't want me sticking around, just tell me. And if it'll give you joy, I'll go away."

"You need to grow up!"

"You're not the star in everyone's life dude!"

"I don't need you to tell me things I already know. Don't say things just because it's the "right" thing to say. Tell me things that would actually fit! And if you have none, just shut up."

"I never said I needed your friendship."

"Don't tell me that there's something wrong with me! Because you're the reason why I'm never going to be fine."

"If you really wanna know what's wrong, just look at the mirror."

"I'm sorry for not being a good witness. For not being strong when you were also struggling. I know all of us go to crappy seasons, and I just wished that I'd pretended to be firm."

"I know you love me. You just don't love me that much like you love them."

"Save your drama and your fake empathies for your next loser of a friend."

"Before you even say anything bad about me, why don't you put on your beauty mask first. You might look a lil better."

"I want you out of my life, out of my heart, out of my mind. But then I know that there would be something missing."

"If you're just going to give me sermons, just get out of my face."

"I don't need you to be my mother, I have one already. I want you to be my friend."

"I want you to speak when I'm listening. And I need you to listen when I want to speak."

"This is not a contest! Will you stop trying to prove yourself to everyone that you're great."

"You are sickening."

"How can I ever forgive you if you haven't asked for forgiveness. SO I'm sorry for moving on but never forgetting."

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Each day I am awaken by the sound of my alarm clock. I am hesitant to move, hesitant to start a new day. Anxiety swiftly slithers in as I push away the warmth of my covers. It slithers in like the nightmares I escaped from as I open my still tired eyes to face consciousness. I am brought back to this consciousness which makes me wish, in the first place, to remain in my nightmares. At least then I know that it’s all unreal.

The paths I place my foot on are all the same. Each leading me to directions I am not certain of. Is anyone ever certain? Do His plans just unfold before anyone’s very eyes? Is anyone out there without a single doubt? But to stop is a fool’s option; for as we stand still and watch, the hours do not. So what else is there but to keep moving; to breathe on and plaster a practiced smile on my face regardless of the sores and crosses?

Yet with every intake of air and with every step of my wary feet, perseverance becomes stale and hopes makes me jaded. And there nothing more to want than to be free from it all, to flee from everything that makes sense or no sense. To flee from the cares of not wanting to hurt the feelings of people you love. To flee from ever disappointing the One you offer up your praises to. To flee from wanting to hurt the people who hurt you first. To flee from all insecurities that ties you down scornfulness and shame. To flee from things that you thought you need but will in point of fact never sate. To flee from all that pains you and you just fly away to numbness- to just go away, just away.

But what difference does it make? And what’s the point of all of these? What difference does it make at all? For though I may go a million miles and even if I may be away for good, am I not still with myself? Am I not still with myself who is capable of sinning? And what difference does it make if I flee from all the hurts when the places that I see with these eyes that err, places that I am able to flee to are also wretched and will only bring new hurts. Indeed this world is shattered and everything under the Sun is meaningless and to find meaning in this world is foolish. For what is good in place? There is none, nothing at all; nothing but sin and brokenness.

So I fix my eyes beyond the stars. For I know that there is One that sees all and knows all. A God whose arms I can be vulnerable and be completely free, a God whose hands could fix all brokenness. And yet though I know what His very name could do, my mind still wavers to move a step forward to Him. For a single step forwards fells like dying and my flesh bleeds as my soul endeavors to surrender.

I am suffocated and I am drowning from the foolish man’s dilemma that I hold. I long for freedom but refuse to pay the cost. So what’s the use of crying for these wounds when I reject the Healer’s cure? I am foolish indeed, a human to err. My very reflection disgust me and I just wish to fade away.

So God take me please, that I may never ever displease you anymore. My every failure causes me to ache, not because I have failed but because I have failed you. And my every heartbeat reminds me that I am a mockery, a hypocrite, unworthy of His love. But I need You to love me Lord. I need You to love me more than ever. So I beg, take a hold of my heart, take a hold of my mind, take a hold of my soul. God take a hold of every part of me. My flesh is unwilling but my soul is crying out. Please just take me and bring me in Your arms. For Your name’s sake, take me away from my flesh; take me away from this wretched world. Jesus, take me.

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June 30, 2009

Dear God,


Can you still hear me? Can you still stand to look at me? Will your eyes meet mine, when I am here, laying on the filth that’s bringing me lower--- lower and farther away from you? I have no praise in my lips. No song to pour out. All that’s left is the bitter alcohol and smoke from my mouth, and even those are fading away by the minute. I have nothing to bring and nothing to offer. All I have now is my heart and I just want to let you see how hurt and miserable I am.
So many times you had instructed me and so many time you corrected by wrongs. Often you’d remove things that I held on to with all of my heart and all that you’d tell me is that you have a plan, that it’s what’s best for me, and that it will bring glory to your name--- I said goodbye to my name, said goodbye to plans, said goodbye even to my sanity. And as I had sang over and over again, “Though you slay me, yet will I hope in you” indeed you give and take away and all I ask is that even through the hurts that you would give me enough strength to still worship you. For I believed, even in the deepest of my being, that someday you’ll bring healing and you’ll show me a brighter day--- a day when I’ll be set free, set free from my flesh, set free from me.
But lo and below, my dear creator, here I am now. I am nothing, dead, and unable to move even an inch more. Coming your way has jaded me. And though I tried my best to see the blessings you poured out, all that my mind could fathom and utter is, “Why Lord, why?”
I have so much to tell you, so much to show. But then again, I know that you see all and know all. And that’s probably why every struggle hurts. And as I ran for comforting arms, I see pointing fingers instead and I realized that I indeed I had done something wrong. So waited on my porch, hoping that someone would finally come my way, but alas, there is none. Lord, is this my sweet sacrifice or my selfish wants? And as I ran back to you, I cannot come closer. For I know that you’re the one who allowed all these to happen. God, I am not you to love so much. If to love you will cause me so much pain, will you please love me less? Will you understand then if I flee?
And sometimes I do question, if I’m the only one who feels the same way, suffering because of sin. Wanting to turn back and change what has been done out of stupidity. It was pathetic of me to start what I shouldn’t have thought of in the first place and for not ending what should have been over so long ago. And so I sulk in all my emptiness as I even find temporary relief in the sight of crimson slowly trickling down my arm.
But you led my gaze upon the cross and you told me that one moment, you had bore every sin in the world and you felt all pain, even this. What more could I say, as you offered me another answer, that the reason why you allowed these trials is to keep me humble. I guess I am not a fan of humility and heartaches. As a human, this is more than enough and I had already fallen.
But I guess this is not the end, and after this rest, you’ll find me coming your way again. Dad, will you still love me?

-prodigal daughter

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Another love song plays as I think of words to let remain unto this page.
My days are spent pondering over what would happen an hour from now, 2 hours, 3 hours, 4, 5, so on.
This is another day, indeed.
Another day to face the fears I need not to repress.
For it flows out on its own, like water from a broken jar.
Another day to step forward regardless of my sighs and just hope I have enough strength to persevere.


A million thoughts race in my mind as I take glimpses of the cloudy yet bright sky outside; a million thoughts of “what if’s”, “if only’s”, “maybe’s”, and “I hope’s”.
Pausing once in a while, to scrutinize if I could still comprehend or determine the weight that I carry in my heart;
not knowing when or until when I might be able to manage as the feelings intensifies with every passing minute.
Not wanting to shut my eyes at night for my questions are left unanswered; but also thankful as dawn approaches, thankful that I could for a while dream the weight away.
Yet only to be awakened by the light that passes through the openings of the curtains, to wake up to another unknown tomorrow and begin another day.


Truly what lies ahead is cryptic to me.
It is veiled, it is hidden.
I see a clear depiction of what is in front of me, but I am ignorant to what is next.
Fear consumes me as I place my faithless hands unto the knob of every close door I hide behind of.
Hesitating to push open; unwilling to let anxiety envelop me as I step out, blinded by the morning light, not knowing what or who will the first my eyes will gaze upon.

This is my melancholy; this is my plea for a saviour.
I am laid bare.
Consumed by fears but still moving on.
I am weak, I am scared, I am fragile, and I am slowly dying inside; but still constantly reminding myself that someone is there.
This is the truth I try to hold on to, the truth which I draw strength upon.
Trying to be optimistic as I recall every sweet word He sings in my ears:
The promises of a life, of hope, and a future secure in Him.
This is His song for me, a song of love, as He holds me by the hand to get me through another day.
Reminding me that even with the darkness that surrounds me I am never alone.
So to Him I offered up my days.
For I know that He is the one who controls my tomorrows, He is the one who make things known and unknown to humanity.
This surrender is the end of me, but I am confident that it’ll be a beginning in Him.


But let not the mere praises of my lips alone justify my heart.
For this is my melancholy indeed; this is my cry for an undivided heart.
I confess that I am entirely incomplete, I know I am undone.
I am unable to finish what has been started; not even able to begin what should be done.
For I am clay in my Potter’s hands, I am dross-filled silver; still being moulded, still being refined.


Every breath I take causes my chest to ache as He searches every corner of my heart.
Ashamed for I know I had hidden things in my heart He had told me to let go of, hiding it all in vain.
In vain for I know that He sees all and knows all.
Deliberately refusing to comply with His will; trying to find a flight.
Running away as I held dearly things He said can not even compare to the mere mention of His glorious name.
My foolishness- I admit; as I cling unto treasured paste; not wanting to accept the diamonds He lovingly offered.

This is me, Father; this is how I begun, I am human.
I am foolish, irrational, easily blinded and swayed by the temporary and quickly wasting away.
Taking hold of what my hands could grasp whilst it exist.
This is me; I am sinful, selfish, and unfaithful; unworthy, a mockery.
I would choose to fade than to cause any more pain unto You.

Yet even through my wretchedness, You still invite me to Your courts.
You summoned me by name and called me Yours.
You sang me a new song, a song of Your agape.
You cradled me in Your arms as you softly sang that I am Yours.
I am still Yours regardless of my mistakes, regardless of the many times I caused You to cry; regardless of my imperfection.
Father, I am ashamed to be held by You.
I don’t want to stain Your beauty with the filth that I bring; the filth that I had collected from swaying away; entertaining myself but neglecting You.

Oh, I humbly plead that You would just grab hold of my heart, that You would do with it anything that You please.
For I know that on my own I am only a disappointment, I always come lacking.
But Father, I desire to give You my all. I desire to make You my all.
Wash me, I pray.
Wash me in Your everlasting mercy.
Cover me Lord, cover me in Your undying love.
I plead for I know I am not worthy of anything beautiful from You.
I plead, for I dare not come as I am.
I, who wallowed in muck and is sodden in idolisations.
Purify me Father; make me clean.
Strip me of me and cause my heart to beat only for You.
Cause me to let the paste fall free from these faithless hands.
Cause me to let go until I have nothing left.
Let me be empty that You may have Your way with me- unhindered, undivided.
Cleanse me and make me new. Fill me with You.

This is my melancholy, Father; my song of faith, trust, love, hope, and submission.
And when another day begins; please God, hold me.

Psalm 27
Jeremiah 29: 11
Isaiah 43: 1-2
1 Corinthians 10: 12-13
1 Corinthians 14: 33-34
2 Corinthians 1:9-10
2 Corinthians

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“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were brought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:19 NIV)


“You are a temple of God.”
Pretty much, this statement had become a cliché, hearing it from so many people every now and then; especially when they want to point out that I haven’t been taking care of my health. It might be concerning my diet, sleeping patterns, hygiene, or even the things that I put on my body. Basically, the “temple” they are referring to is the “physical body” or what is seen. But what about other aspects such as speech, thinking, actions, emotions, isn’t it still part of the body?

Now we have a picture of what our body is. It’s not just about the physical appearance, but it also involves our mind, our actions, and our heart.
So what is a temple?
It is a place of worship.
It is a holy place.
It is a sanctuary.
It is a safe haven.
It is a dwelling place.
It is a house.

So if our body is the temple of God. It therefore means that God dwells within us! You probably know that. But really think about. “You are a temple of God.” We know who the temple is, but who is that god that dwells in us? Is God really God in the temple or is He just a visitor because another god is there already?

Now, how do you know who that god is?

People say, that they could tell what kind of person lives in a house by looking inside the house. For example, if a person is fanatic of the colour blue then a lot of his things would be blue; or if that person is a fanatic of Elvis Presley, then there would probably some Elvis Presley merchandises lying in the house. You get the point. In the same, our body works similarly. Who or what do we think of the most? What do we often say or who or what is the usual content of our conversation? Who benefits our actions? What do we often do and why do we do it? For whom are our feelings for? If you think about it, and then look at common denominator- Who or what is it? So if you often think, often do things for, speak often about, that person or thing, then that means that that thing or person governs you.

So is God still the owner of the temple, or is it someone else’s, or is it just yours?

Well, there is this show called, “Extreme makeover home edition.”
Basically, what the people in this show do is that they transform a house based on the owner’s preference. The text says, “You are a temple of God” it doesn’t say, “You are your own temple.” Therefore, it should be God’s preferences that are evident in us. We should be reflecting God, not the world, not even ourselves.

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One day the Lord asked me, “Who do you think am I?”
His glorious majesty caused me to reply…

…You are an amazing God.
You are marvellous.
You are beautiful.
You are never-ending.
You never fail.
You are great.
And you are mighty.
And none is like You,
None can compare to You.
For who can fathom You?
Who can understand You?
When you are indescribable.
You are incomprehensible.
You are limitless.
You are big.
For You breathe out the universe.
Yet You are small.
For You reign in our hearts.
You are everywhere!
Who is like You oh Lord?
Who can compete with You?
Who can do things You can not do?
Is there even anything You can not do?
Or who can do things You can?
Who can match up with You?
None!
No one!
For You are matchless.
You are undefeatable.
You are unquestionable.
None should doubt You.
For You are wise.
You are God.
You are King.
You are Creator.
You are the Saviour of mankind.
You are the redeemer of the doomed.
You are the payer of debts.
You are the seeker of the lost.
You are the light to the blind.
You are the fortress of the weary.
You are the healer of the dying.
You are the teacher of the ignorant.
You are the lifter of the meek.
For You are a loving God!
You are a merciful Father.
You are gracious Provider.
You are patient Counselor.
You are God.
You are love.
But You also judge the wicked.
For You are just.
You condemn the evil.
You destroy the foolish.
You humble the conceited.
You shame the hypocrites.
You punish the idolater.
For You do not tolerate sin.
You do not take lightly blemishes.
You can not stand wickedness.
For You are Holy.
You are God!
That’s why You deserve our hearts.
You deserve our love.
You deserve our faith.
You deserve our loyalty.
You deserve our obedience.
You deserve our service.
You deserve our devotion.
You deserve our praise.
You deserve our worship.
You deserve everything we have.
For You are God.
You are gentle.
You are compassionate.
You are thoughtful.
You are kind.
You are hospitable…
…to us who don’t deserve Your love.
to us who don’t deserve Your grace.
to us who don’t deserve Your mercy.
to us who don’t deserve Your attention.
to us who deserve nothing.
to us who deserve death.
to us who deserve hell.
to us who are temporary.
to us who are worthless.
to us who are but a vapour.
to us who are sinful.
to us who shed Your blood.
to us who accused You for doing wrong.
to us who crucified You.
to us who killed You.
But You are God.
You rose again.
You conquered death.
You brought out souls from hell.
You had forgiven us.
You saved us.
You gave us life.
You promised us hope.
You assured us a future.
You sanctified us.
You reunited with us.
For You are forgiving.
You do not remind us of our pasts but secure our present.
You lead us into righteousness.
For You desire us to be Holy.
As You are Holy.
For You are a Holy God.
You are God!
You are the Lord of Lords.
You are the King of Kings.
You are the Prince of Peace.
You are the Lord of Love.
You are the Lamb who was slain.
You are the Lion of Judah.
You are the Lover of our souls.
You are God.
You are the Alpha and the Omega.
You are the keeper of time.
You are the maker and holder of all perfect plans.
You are God!
And You will always be God.
For You are eternal.
You were,
You are,
You will.
You alone are God!!!!

Then Jesus said, “Well, that’s great my child; but I already knew all of that. What I really want to hear from you is who am I to You.”

I paused and smiled; for I realized that God isn’t after my comprehension but is after ME. So I answered in awe, “YOU ARE MY GOD!”

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