Sweetly Broken
But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him... Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate. (Luke 15: 20 and 24)
For the first 17 years of my life, everything was centered on and directed by me and I was not with God. That was why entering college last year was a big blow because I wasn't used to all those social things and finding someone I could be myself wasn't easy. Life without God was hell! Everything was disoriented and I felt empty. I did things that were not good to myself and my soul in hopes that it will make the emptiness go away. I was searching for happiness but I did not find it. I never realized that happiness was just in my reach until everything was falling apart. It all started last year, during the psychology department's acquaintance party. The upper classes did this phantom drama about a Christian who was imprisoned for the murder he did not committed. Satan tempted him to blame God because he was innocent but he didn't. Instead he thought of it as an opportunity to share the words of God to his prison mates. He was sentenced to death but a lot of souls were listed on the Book of Life because of that Christian. After the play, I was thinking to myself, If those prisoners were saved, maybe I can be?
From that time on, I decided to change my ways because I wanted to be like that guy who was so devoted to Jesus but I didn't seek God's help and I relied only on my own strength. Now I just learned recently that when you're doing something for God and then you suddenly feels that you're being brought down, it means that what you are doing is effective but without God's guidance, you're sure to fail. You're weak and fragile and Satan loves to take advantage of those situations. No wonder I was feeling so low during those times because Satan realized that one of his dear minions was going to the other side. On August 23, 2006, everything went wrong and the next thing I know I was rushed to the hospital. Did you get the picture? Yes, I know what I did was stupid but if you ask me why I did it, I honestly don't know why (it's a Bi polar thing). I thought that every hope was lost so decide to take away my life. But my decision to kill myself physically paved the way to bring life to my spirit.
When I came to my senses, the first faces I saw were my friends. I realized that a lot of people do care about me and some even reprimanded me. I received a lot of visitors while I was at the hospital; but someone really unexpected came, the guy who played the part of the Christian during the upper classes' phantom drama,Kuya Ed; so there he was talking to me about God and while we were in our conversation, I felt that God was speaking to me through Kuya Ed. I was ashamed of myself because I didn't seek God's guidance. I was willing to turn to God but I never prayed for it, that's why I stumbled and got lost during my search for God. I just waited for God to save me; I didn't do anything at all. God is so kind, leading Kuya Ed to me, slowly revealing to me the path that he wanted me to be on.
I got out of the hospital on August 26. The counselors of S.U. said that i needed some rest and that I should stop going to school for a while. It broke my heart because I don't want to, but that was the price I paid for doing such foolishness. The next day I told Kuya Ed about my leave, he asked me if I had a Bible and I was like, At home.( mabuti pa ang bahay may Bible, ako wala). On the 28th at the S.U. Booth area, he gave me a Bible and introduced me to Ate Marissa and she helped me received Jesus by faith through prayer and I believe it was the most wonderful feeling; finally having God in your life. On founder's day I was alive again and was found. All of us are lost sons and daughters of God. We are nothing without him, but keep in mind that God is ready to accept us if we are willing to take a step towards him
So how come something so tragic bring about something so beautiful, even life? God is like a sword smith who plans on making a fine sword. If the steel does not take form using a small hammer, He will use an even bigger hammer until finally the steel will turn into a beautiful sword. That's how God uses trials, to catch peoples attention and make them turn to Him; but the problem with people is that they'll only realize that God is all they need when God is all they've got. We sure are fond of learning things the hard way. After I became a Christian, I finally saw the beauty of trials and how everything was connected just to take me where I am now and to make me as what I am now. It's like a picture, you'll only get to see it's beauty when you look at it from a distance. So I'm finally back in S.U. but this this time,when troubles arise, I say this little prayer;
Lord God break me. Break me not so to ruin me but to make me fall to my knees and surrender to Your will. Break me and then take me; be my everything Lord. Amen.
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