Qara' leb `ataph

So I woke up this morning, hoping that it would be new day.
Like when the moment I open my eyes I would just fine myself in a completely new place.
A place where my imaginations live and my thoughts would just fly before my very eyes.
I just want to fade away from everything.
Fade away from everything that is evil, unreal, stressful, hateful, sad, and sinful.
To run away from everything that hurts and wounds.
To escape to a place I call my own.
Where I can do all that I wish.
I want to hide in a place where I can find peace.
To find joy in all that is around me.
To no longer need to listen to all the voices that tell me what I should be and what I should do.

I just want to be alone and just being myself and what I want to be.
To be alone under a perfect blue sky.
To go star gazing at a very still night.
To just want to watch the day go by slowly.
To watch the sun rise and set.
To listen to the whispers of the wind at night time or watch the full blue moon, to watch the cherry blossoms in March or the fool around with the beautiful orange leaves during autumn, to taste the first fallen snow, catch snowflakes and watch them melt in my hand, to walk by the shore during summer afternoons, to pick flowers during spring or to be on a swing by the still, quiet rivers, to sit on tree branches as I read God’s love letters.
To jump off the top of the waterfalls or dive into the deepest ocean.
To blow bubbles and play around in the sunflower fields.
To fly to the heavens or sleep on the soft cotton candy-like clouds.
To wander in a maze during a fine day or get lost in a forest!
To drink milk tea and have my quiet time at 5:30am.
I want hear God’s voice every minute of the day.
To go biking by the country side.
To drive by the scenic route, but first I need to learn how to drive a car.
To learn how to play the violin and the piano.
To make and fly kites.
To go kite boarding or go ice skating. Someone has to teach me that too!
To ride on a boat and go fishing or even jump off and swim all afternoon.
To grow my own garden and have my own farm. I wish I’d like vegetables, the fruit, durian, or crab.
And I wish I weren’t afraid of the stupid gecko hiding somewhere in my house.

I want to cherish every moment with the people I love.
To sing everybody’s favourite song with everyone I love; or roast marshmallows by the campfire as we sing worship songs.
To dance with my mom and dad or surprise them with a dinner date just for the two of them.
To learn how to cook or bake for my friends and family!
To play around with my nephews and nieces.
To meet my “Sparklefly” and receive a dozen dozens of yellow roses!

I want to do things… things that actually have sense.
To give out Bibles or encourage everyone I meet.
To go on a mission to Africa or even Taiwan.
To travel around the world with only my clothes, a pen, and my Bible; putting all my trust in the Lord.
To discover a cure for aids and cancer.
To make an indie film.
To write 20 books, compose songs or paint thousands of pictures.

I want to run away and disappear.
I want to escape and leave everything behind.

For I no longer want to be this “me” that I am now.
I just want to stop, to throw everything that is weighing me down.
I want to retreat to my fantasies and come back when everything is well.
So perhaps I'll find Snow White's apple, for sure I'll take a bite.
Maybe in my dreams it might be better.
Do make me up on Christmas day!


I just want to be okay even for just today, to not worry about what will come ahead or what was behind me.
To just let go of this world and all the cares that is in it.
I just want breathe just for today.
To no longer feel the need of pretending and just take of this broken mask that has been on my face for quite a while now.
I just want to be real even for a day, to cry when it hurts and not cover it with anger or shrug it off, to laugh like crazy at things that make me laugh, to scream when I can’t take it anymore, to just fall when I’m tired, to stay still when I can’t do it anymore.

I wish I could just show everyone who I really am.
To learn what it really is to love, to not just say “I love you too.” because a friend or family said “I love you”, but say it because that’s what I truly feel and not out of obligation.
I want to express myself to others the way I express my self before Jesus.
I want to surrender fully to God, to love Him with all that I am. I want to do all these things, to enjoy every minute of it all, and to capture every detail of every memory.

I just want to escape from my reality.
And be peaceful for a while.
Is that too much too ask?

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